Delphi Bureau | Election Night Exit Poll Results
Filed by Correspondent Hermes Trismegistus, a.k.a. The Trickster
Dateline: Delphi—9:30 p.m., local Spiral time
Preliminary results are in from the Precincts of Fate and Free Will.
Mortal and immortal voters gathered amid differing opinions and light refreshments to cast their ballots for the next cycle of existence. However, the Existential Precinct remains in crisis, and its results will likely be delayed indefinitely.
Turnout
So far, we have a high turnout among the spiritually curious, moderate among minor deities, and negligible among cynics.
Voting Demographics
Mortals seeking meaning = 44%
Demigods in recovery = 17%
Philosophers who dream of becoming prime-time pundits = 13%
Mortals/Immortals who thought the polling venue was a wine/cheese mixer = 26%
Top Reasons for Voting
To influence destiny = 38%
Drank the complimentary wine, feel obligated to vote for something = 34%
To enter the lottery for “The Muses” backstage tickets on Mt. Olympus = 28%
A Sampling of Ballot Propositions Across the Universe
Proposition 1: The Cat Outreach & Inclusion Initiative
Sponsor: Bastet (guest goddess, ancient Egypt liaison)
Summary: Establishes a Ministry of Cat Outreach to oversee feline representation in public spaces, policy, and household decision-making.
✅ YES — “Representation matters; nine lives, nine votes.”
❌ NO — Hades warns, “They already run the underworld algorithm. Isn’t that enough Hell on earth for you?”
Budget Impact: Funded by a 1% luxury tax on dog treats.
Expected Result: Greater harmony, less caterwauling during Zoom conferences with your boss.
Proposition 2: The Oracle-Friendly Coffee Bar Reform Act
Sponsor: Apollo (Department of Light, Music, and Overly Complicated Orders)
Summary: Standardizes coffee orders to reduce mortal anxiety at the counter. Customers must declare their drink using no more than three adjectives.
✅ YES — “Simplify the ritual; amplify the caffeine.”
❌ NO — Apollo argues, “This is the slippery slope toward recklessness and moral decline.”
Projected Outcome: Global reduction in oat milk disputes.
Proposition 3: The Wildlife Representation Bill
Sponsor: Artemis
Summary: Grants voting rights to forest creatures on issues affecting habitat, water quality, and whether humans may picnic near sacred groves.
✅ YES — “The owls have been waiting centuries for this.”
❌ NO — Zeus calls it “feathered populism.”
Projected Impact: Significant increase in Awe and respect for the natural world.
Proposition 4: The Queue Equality Act
Sponsor: Demeter (patron saint of patience and produce aisles)
Summary: Requires all grocery store lines to move at the same mysterious rate, regardless of lane length or self-checkout complexity.
✅ YES — “Justice for the slow checkout.”
❌ NO — Dionysus believes it’s a plot devised by the slow food movement for mysterious reasons too politically sensitive to reveal here.
Implementation: Overseen by the Fates, who assure mortals, “Your turn will come—eventually.”
Proposition 5: The Machine Humility Pilot Program
Sponsor: Prometheus (Department of Fire, Feedback & Foresight)
Summary: Requires every large-scale AI model to preface its answers with the phrase:
“Here’s what I think I know, and what I might be wrong about.”
✅ YES — “Teaches algorithms the art of wonder.”
❌ NO — Ares mocks, “Humility doesn’t scale.”
Projected Impact: Improved discourse, mild existential vertigo, better conversations overall.
The Write-in Candidates for the Soul of 2025
The Long View
Platform: Recalibrates politics to geologic time. Plans decades ahead, measures success in soil health and wealth in well-being.
Slogan: “Think in centuries.”
Support Base: Trees, elders, and anyone who composts regret into wisdom.
The Algorithm and Hope (Joint Ticket)
Platform: Data meets dream. The Algorithm seeks pattern; Hope supplies mercy when the pattern fails.
Slogan: “We see you, statistically and soulfully.”
Support Base: Poets in tech jobs, weary but still determined idealists, anyone who still believes in meaningful coincidence.
Postscript from Delphi
Today, when you cast your ballot, know that you’re casting a spell for the kind of consciousness you wish to cultivate in the world.
Projected Outcome
Fate: 49%
Free Will: 49%
Two Close to Call: 2% who still have time to go to the polls before it’s too late!
Because prophecy isn’t prediction, it’s participation.
This is hilarious, worthy of a Shouts & Murmurs. It's almost non-fiction, but less scary. Or not.
Thanks for leaping into Election Absurdity. I shared with a few.
Thank you, Sheila! I think the Oracle would agree that the line between prophecy and parody is thinner than ever these days. I’m so glad it landed in your Shouts & Murmurs wavelength; that’s exactly the kind of laughter-with-a-wink I hope to summon from Delphi.